The Parade of Boys I Never Asked For

*Insert long gratuitous sigh*

For those unfamiliar (though Violet should have already sorted you out… especially if you’ve ever talked to her for more than 3 seconds or simply stumbled in the the shrine she calls a bedroom), Boy Parade is the newest boy band marketed as though they were the sexiest, most talented beings.

No one else just gets to be this

The breakdown (much like my mental state at this point):
Danny: The little twerp who sings and plays tambourine. We have no idea how old he is. Violet says 14-16, but really, the kid’s like 8. Oh! And he wears a top hat. Seriously kid, a tambourine and top hat do not Stevie Nicks make. Stevie Nicks is a goddess saint sent to us all from above, and you- well, let’s just say- you are not.

Eric: Lead guitar. Doesn’t seem like the brightest bulb in the chandelier, and yet has somehow asserted himself as sole lyricist (at least he’s credited as such).

Miles: Plays bass. Doesn’t speak, so much. He just kinda glances over a lot at…

Justin P: Rhythm guitar. We also don’t hear much from him, but I am just soooo certain that he and Miles are in a relationship. They totally love each other. You can contest, but I have seen them in person! I’ve seen it. It’s there!

Justin T: The drummer, and easily the most attractive of the bunch. The only one I don’t mind looking at, and he’s shoved to the back. He’s got some great hair, and oh what I wouldn’t give to see it in a man bun!

*Note: They actually use both Justins’ last initial… And they rhyme! Literally, I cannot just say “Justin,” Violet will correct me.
As you may have noticed, my dear little sister is clearly obsessed, whereas my feelings toward the “band” are… less than favorable. But, being the great sister I am, Violet and I spent our Spring Break driving cross country, following the boys as they toured.

They have a couple of popular songs (that Violet will NOT stop singing!!!). She thinks they’re so romantic, but let’s think about them for a second, really. One of them is “Staring Through Your Window.” …Are you kidding me? I shouldn’t even have to point out how creepy that is!! Why is he outside her window? Does she know he’s there? Is she ignoring him, because he’s now creepy and annoying? Should someone maybe call the police (at least the band so we can hear some good music)?
The second song is “The Only One.” This also raises some questions for me. Boys, there are 5 of you. Are you all singing about the same girl? (I mean, I know Miles and Justin P aren’t, but still.) I would imagine there would be a riff between them if they are all pining after some unfortunate, unsuspecting female. But maybe that’s just me.

The trip itself:
The driving wasn’t too bad (even when a certain someone just can’t stay awake while in a moving vehicle for more than 2 minutes!). But, those times of solitude were when I could finally cut out the incessant whining of tiny Danny and listen to something else. And I am a big enough person to admit that when Vi was awake and were listening to Boy Parade’s one full album on repeat, there are times when one must simply accept it, go numb, then warm inside (much like freezing to death), and just sing along. Am I a martyr? Yes.

No Boy Bands Shirt Black Front
Should’ve ordered this before we left

Towards the end of the trip, something happened. It was a defining moment, and perhaps the lowest of my life. During the infamous “The Only One,” they decided to choose an “only one.” They wanted to pluck a young girl from the crowd and make her night. Maybe they wanted a challenge, maybe they are just that stupid, but that night, that “only one” that they chose after scanning the crowd was not my screaming, inconsolable litter sister. It was not some girl who had begged and pleaded and cried to her parents for tickets. No, above all these willing adolescents, they chose me.
I was dragged on stage by Danny’s grimy little baby hands as he tried to sing to me about how I was clearly the love of his life. Danny, please, save yourself some embarrassment for after puberty. I tried my hardest to not show my outright disgust of the tiny gremlin, but according to Violet, I was unsuccessful. Please, Vi, just photoshop your face over mine. We’d both be happier. I even tried to scoot towards the back to get closer to Justin T, but I guess I looked shy, because I was forced further forward and into the gaze of a tambourine boy (definitely not man) as he wailed about his undying love.

Another night, post-concert, when we were just so exhausted and I was a little scared to be behind the wheel, Violet and I stopped at a Denny’s for some food and coffee. It took a couple cups until our eyes were opened wide enough to realize that the restaurant was buzzing quite a bit for being around midnight. That’s when we realized they was there. I couldn’t get away from these guys!
Violet so desperately wanted an interview, and as she usually does, looked to me to utilize my undeniable charm and talk to them. My reaction was to hide behind my menu (whether it was from them or from her, I still don’t know. I’m telling you, I’ve never been this tired!). After averting confrontation (with the band. Vi had some words), the group left the restaurant and simultaneously, Violet without.

All in all, I still only mildly tolerate the band. And I’ll say it was all pretty worth it just to see the look on Violet’s face at every venue when the lights went down as the show started. It was this ridiculous child-like giddiness, but it was pretty adorable. At least, I think it was. It was kinda hard to see clearly through my own grimacing.

Comments are closed.